Thursday, May 13, 2004

Leave it to Frank

Yup, leave to ole' Frank to bring me up when I'm feeling down.

In My World: Buck Likes His Head
"There's nothing better than a good sandwich at an Iraqi cafe after a good day of kill'n for'ners," Buck the Marine said as he sat down at an outside table.

A man wearing a mask approached him pointing an AK-47. "We have captured you, American! Now you are out hostage! Soon you will..."

Buck reholstered is .45. "Always while I'm eating," Buck grumbled, "Now my sandwich is going to taste like gunpowder." He stared at his sandwich for a moment. "Mmm... gunpowder."

A dozen more armed terrorists surrounded Buck. "You are captured, American!" one yelled.

"Dagnabbit," Buck swore, "Shoulda listened to the Commanding Officer when he told us to use the buddy system."

* * * *

Laura Bush tried to read a romance novel, but the lights kept randomly dimming. She left the bedroom to track down the cause. Soon she found her husband standing outside a locked door. As the lights dimmed, she could hear a scream behind the door. As they came back on, she could here incoherent mumbling with a thick Bostonian accent. "Are you torturing Ted Kennedy with electroshocks?" Laura accused Bush.

"He started it!" Bush answered defensively, "He said we're as bad as the Saddam torturers, so I wanted to show him he’s wrong by exposing him to real Saddam torture so he could learn the difference."

"Has he learned anything?" Laura asked.

Bush shrugged his shoulders. "Can't understand a damn thing he's saying."

"Well, it's starting to bother me, dear," Laura said firmly, "I can't read with the lights going on and off like this."

"Sorry, but it took more electricity to shock Big Fat Teddy K than we thought 'cause he's so corpulent."

"You are using that word a day calendar!" Laura exclaimed. She then kissed Bush on the cheek. "Know what? It's a nice day out, so I'll go read outside until you're through with your politics in here."

"Thanks, honey," Bush said as Laura walked off. He then looked at the locked door. "Fry, fatty, fry!" Scott McClellan then walked up. "I wasn't talking to you," Bush said, "You're 'Tubby'. Kennedy is 'Fatty'."

"I have some news for you," Scott said quite seriously, "one of our troops has been taken hostage by terrorists."

"What!" Bush shouted angrily, "Let's use everything at our disposal to get him back! We'll show those stinky terrorists a thing or two! So who was captured?"


“Buck who?”

"Buck... the Marine."

"Oh, he can take care of himself," Bush said, calming down, "Let's go play Parcheesi."

"Okay," Scott answered, and then glanced at the locked door, "but shouldn't you turn off that thing shocking the Senator first?"

"How the hell would I know? You think I'm torture expert or something?" He then slapped Scott across the head. "Everyone always thinks the worst of me."

* * * *

"Who are you people?" Buck asked. He was tied up and seated in the center of a group of masked men. "There's only two types of people who wear masks: Batman and bad people... and none of you look like Batman." He squinted at them menacingly. "Actually, you look... FOREIGN!"

"Quiet, infidel!" one of the terrorists shouted. He then held a piece of paper in front of Buck. "You will read this for the camera."

"You can torture me all you want by forcing me to read," Buck said firmly, "but I won't give up any information... even if you make me read something by Toni Morrison."

"We do not want information from you," answered the head terrorists, "We will behead you in front of a camera in vengeance for what the abuse at Abu Najib."

"Wasn't that Abu Ghraib?" Buck asked.

The terrorist looked confused. "Whatever. We just like cutting off people's heads while shouting like deranged howler monkeys, okay?"

"But I like my head!" Buck protested, "I use it for all sorts of things... like headbutting. Come closer for a sec."

The terrorist did, and then Buck headbutted him. "See?" Buck said. "How can you deny pleasures like that from a man? Do you people have any decency?"

"No!" the terrorist yelled, "We only like killing and shouting because of Allah and jooos and some such crap. Now, someone find something good for cutting his head off."

"We could use this," said one terrorist, holding up a knife.

"That's my KaBar!" Buck shouted, "You never touch another man's KaBar!"

"We will kill you with your own knife," the terrorist laughed, "Now untie him and hold him down for the camera."

Buck looked skyward. "I'm in trouble," Buck said in silently prayer, "These are some of the worst for'ners yet, and I need your wisdom, Grandpappy, on getting out of this."

"I will give you a plan that has served many a Marine well in this situation," answered Jebediah the Marine, "When they untie you, kill them all."

"Semper Fi, Grandpappy."

* * * *

"Thank you for tuning into Al Jazeera, now with almost as much anti-American and anti-Jew propaganda as The Guardian," the anchorman said, "We have heard that al Qaeda has captured yet another American and will behead him in vengeance for the abuse of prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Let's enjoy."

The tape started rolling, and on screen were the terrorists being chased by Buck with his KaBar. "Let's see how you like having your heads cut off!" he yelled.

"Save us, Allah!" screamed one of the terrorists.

"Cut them pig f**kers!" spoke Allah from up high, "Yee-haw!"

"Cut the tape!" yelled the anchorman. He then looked to the camera nervously and said, "I guess we're having some technical difficulties." He adjusted his collar and then added while shaking his fist, "Technical difficulties because of the jooooos!"

* * * *

"We're you hurt at all?" General Abizaid asked Buck.

"All that screaming and yelling gave me a headache," Buck admitted. "What it was worst on was my KaBar, which I think I'll need to replace."

"The Japanese ambassador would like to have a congratulatory word with you," Abizaid said.

"For being taken hostage, you are very dishonorable," the ambassador said. He then spit on Buck's boots.

"Hardass," Buck uttered as the ambassador walked off.

"And now I would like to award you with the molybdenum star," Abizaid said as he placed the medal on Buck's dress blues, "This somewhat prestigious award is given anytime a Marine avoids decapitation in a public forum and then proceeds to decapitate the enemy in return. Now, don't throw it over a wall, because you only get one."

A phone was brought out to Buck. "The President would like to have a word with you," Abazaid announced.

Buck picked up the receiver. "Congratulations," President Bush said, "on escaping the terrorists and then beheading a dozen of them."

"A baker's dozen, sir," Buck corrected.

"Anyway, if I could ask a favor of you," Bush continued, "If my wife asks, I was playing poker with you last night."

"But I was with the terrorist then, sir."

"Fine. We were all playing poker. They're dead, so they can't refute the story."

"Okay, sir." Buck hung up the phone and then took out a piece of paper. "I would like to read a speech I prepared." He cleared his throat. "People should have their heads, and it is wrong for anyone to want to take them away. Anyone who is so evil... so foreign... as to want to cut off people heads and celebrate should have their own heads removed. The terrorists I done cut the heads off of did not like it very much. I hope they learned a lesson from that which will serve them well in for'ner hell where they are surely being sniped by my Grandpappy up in Marine Heaven using the M1-Garand we done buried him with.

"Some people say we should understand the terrorists; I just say we should understand where they are so we can kill them. The world will be a better place when all bad people are headless... or, as seen from another perspective, body-less.

"And one more thing..." Buck looked confused for a moment. "Can't even read my own dang handwriting," he grumbled. After starting at it for a moment, he finally exclaimed, "Oh yeah:


And as always, if you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can LYAO some more by going to IMAO.