Wednesday, March 03, 2004

In Frank's Fanatsy World

Frank at IMAO, reveals the intricate politics involving America and Middle Earth.

'So there's trouble in Middle Earth again,' Bush sighed as he headed for the U.N. conference room, 'I guess we better nip it in the bud to protect our oil interests.'

'You're thinking of the Middle East,' Condoleezza Rice told him, 'We have mithril interests in Middle Earth.'

There was a pedestal at center of the great room, upon it sitting the small golden ring. All countries and races filled the room, ready to debate its fate. Bush entered along with Condi, Donald Rumsfeld, and Buck the Marine, all taking seats near the center.

Bush leaned over to Condi. 'Remind me again why we care about this?'

'I can answer that,' said Gandalf the Grey, 'The Ring is an evil power, and the forces of Mordor will stop at nothing to regain it. It will also corrupt any mortal who tries to use it.'

'It is pretty,' Condi said, slowly reaching for the Ring.

Bush slapped her hand. 'Beardo said not to touch.'

'This meeting shall begin,' announced Kofi Annan. 'The Ring, thought to be lost, was found by Frodo Baggins and brought to our council. At the pleas of Middle Earth, we shall now decide what is to be done with it.'

'France shall takeses good cares of the ring,' Jacques Chirac said, rubbing his hands together greedily, 'Yesss. Give the precious to France.'

'Sounds like a plan,' Bush said, 'Beardo said the ring will corrupt those who possess it, and France is already corrupt. So, nothing to lose.'

'No!' Gandalf yelled, 'If the ring is wielded by anyone, then its evil shall eventually find its way back to Sauron. Then all will be lost. The ring must be destroyed.'

'While we're deciding whether to destroy it or not,' Condi said as she reached for the pedestal, 'Why don't I hold on to it.'

Bush slapped her hand again. 'Stop that.'

'Fine!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf as he drew his axe. 'Let's destroy this thing and be done with it.' Gimli then hit the ring with all his might, his axe blade shattering to pieces on contact. The ring remained unblemished.

'Pansy-ass midget!' Rumsfeld shouted, 'I'll show you how you destroy things.' Rumsfeld then called for his dog. 'Chomps, see that gold ring? It's a hippy!'

With a terrible growl, Chomps leapt at the ring, mouth agape.

'Ah! A warg!' Frodo shouted as Samwise Gamgee shielded his master from harm.

Chomps grabbed the ring fiercely in his teeth as his head shook frantically about. When he spat the ring back onto the pedestal, it still bared no mark of wear.

'Well this is getting nowhere fast,' Bush said. 'Why don't we just take it to some desert and nuke the damn thing.'

'Why don't I hold it while we choose the desert,' Condi stated as she reached for the ring.

Bush grabbed her wrist. 'I'm serious; stop that!'

'There is only one way to destroy the ring: to take it it's origin,' Gandalf announced, 'the fires of Mt. Doom within the heart of Mordor.'

'We'll have to ask the permission of Sauron then if we can go into Mordor,' Kofi Annan said.

'But it must be done in secrecy!' Gandalf objected.

'Then you’re asking for the U.N. to sanction an invasion,' Kofi Annan rejoined, 'And that has to be voted on by the Security Council.'

'May I have a few words about this matter?' asked the Saruman the White.

'That guy sounds smart!' Bush exclaimed, 'Let's do whatever he says!'

'Careful,' Gandalf warned, 'Saruman can bend weak minds with his words.'

'Luckily everyone in my cabinet is strong minded,' Bush said, and then thought for a moment. 'Oh, wait! Me!' Bush then covered his ears.

'This Ring has great historical value,' Saruman said, 'and the land of Mordor is simply misunderstood. Plus, we have to take in to account any environmental impact of throwing the ring into Mt. Doom.'

'Yess!' Chirac hissed, 'Jacques will use his vetoses to save the precious.'

'But America is our ally,' Chirac then said while cowering, 'We need to help them.'

'No!' Chirac shouted back at himself, 'Nasty America trixies poor France! The precious should be ours!'

'Okay,' whimpered Chirac, 'I surrender.'

'How long does he get to go on like this?' Bush asked impatiently.

'Since he is debating himself, he gets twice the floor time,' Kofi Annan answered, 'Then we have to have debate from all the other countries and let them cast their meaningless votes on the matter.'

Bush looked about the large room. 'G'dammit! How many countries are there?'

* * * *

The debate raged for hours upon hours as all countries and all races that walked the earth weighed in... and then weighed in again until the most ancient and wise of the Ents, Treebeard, said, 'Speed this the f**k up!'

Finally a resolution passed 144 to 4 that the problem was all the fault of Israel.

'The more we bicker,' Gandalf said, 'The stronger the forces of Mordor grow.'

'I'm still confused about one thing," Bush said, 'What exactly is Tom Bombadil?'

'He's a joooo!' shouted the ambassador from Syria.

'Let's just leave Tom Bombadil out of this,' Gandalf said, 'You need to compromise with France to have the Ring destroyed.'

'Fine,' Bush whined. He then called out, 'Hey, Jacques-strap, will you agree to helping destroy the Ring if we include you in the coalition?'

'Maybe,' Chirac answered, 'but you Americanses better not trixies Jacques.'

'So all we need to do is take a helicopter right into Mordor and drop the damn ring in the stupid volcano,' Bush said, 'That there's strategery.'

'You can't do that,' Gandalf stated 'You must go by ground.'


'For the same reason we can't have it flown in by the great eagles,' Gandalf answered.

'Which is?'

Gandalf was silent for a moment. 'Well... uh... er... because of... uh... secrecy and stuff.'

Bush rolled his eyes. 'Then we'll send in a ground force.' He looked to the Secretary General. 'Hey, Coffee! We're going to send a group into Mordor by ground to take care of this ring business. Okey-dokey?'

'But who shall bear the ring?' Kofi Annan asked.

'I'll take it,' Condi said, reaching for the Ring.

Bush pulled her back. 'I'm really getting tired of this.'

'I'll take the precious,' Chirac announced, 'Yesss. Jacques will protect the precious.'

'No way I'm letting him touch it!' Bush yelled.

'And I won't trust it with an elf!' said a dwarf.

'Nor I with a dwarf,' responded an elf.

'And no jooos!' shouted a Muslim.

The bickering soon filled the entire room, but eventually one voice struggled to speak above them all. 'I will take the Ring,' Frodo said, 'though I do not know the way.'

'And wherever Mr. Frodo goes, I will follow,' Sam stated 'and help him in ways that will make people question my sexuality.'

'I object!' Bush yelled, 'Those two are short and don't have shoes.'

'Perhaps others can help them,' Gandalf suggested.

'I will lend my bow,' Legolas the elf announced.

'And I my axe!' proclaimed Gimli the dwarf. ‘Wait… I broke that.’

'And me my strangling,' said Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense.

'And I'll lend my M-16... and my KaBar,' stated Buck the Marine, 'and whatever else is good for kill'n.' He then thought for a moment. 'Who we fight'n anyway?'

'You shall face orcs and goblins,' Gandalf answered.

Buck squinted his eyes menacingly. 'They sound foreign.'

'And Jacques will lead the way,' Chirac hissed, 'Yessss. Lead the precious.'

'So be it,' Kofi Annan announced, 'Frodo Baggins shall be the Ring Bearer, and Samwise Gamgee shall stay at his side. Representing the elves will be Legolas son of Thranduil. For the Dwarves will be Gimli son of Gloin. Representing the humans will be Donald son of George and Buck son of Chuck. And, for the weasels, there will be Chriac, son of a bitch. Together they will be known as the Multilateral Coalition of the Ring... after some more lengthy debating and votes.'

'Dammit!' Bush exclaimed.

Frodo drew his sword to see it glowing a dim blue. 'There are orcs near... or hippies!'

'There's some protest outside,' Bush stated, 'Bunch of signs saying "No Blood for Rings."' Bush walked to a window and opened it. 'Shut up you stupid hippies!' He then threw out a chair. Finally, he returned to his seat. 'So where were we?'

'We had decided...' Gandalf started to say, but then noticed the pedestal was empty. 'The Ring!'

'And where is Condi?' Bush asked, looking around.

'All is lost!' Gandalf said as he put his face into his hands.

'I'm tired of this!' Bush announced as he got up and started to leave, 'I have some fundraisers to go to. Screw Middle Earth; the military is working on a mithril substitute made from plastic anyway.' He then left the building.

'Do you think we'll ever make it back to the Shire?' Frodo asked Sam.

'I sure hope so, Mr. Frodo, sir," Sam answered.

'One more thing, Sam,' Frodo said.

'What, Mr. Frodo?' Sam asked with concern.

'Could you not stand so close?'